Neither an Explanation Nor an Apology

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Listen: I woke up this morning with the worst hangover I have ever had in my entire life. Ever. Whether it was due to the homemade beer I imbibed, the multitude of microbrews I sampled, or the few choice sips of wild turkey which are still haunting me as I type this in the form of disembodied wafts from some kind of demonesque sense-memory, the three hours I spent in the bathroom this morning have really given me a shift in paradigm. I feel as though I have a new lease on life, so to speak.

Naturally, this means that I have a lot to share with you, my dear audience.

I am sure that my absence has caused many a sorrowful heart among our readership, and I now hope to rectify that by breaking down the mind-numbingly dull things that have kept me from you all these past weeks.

LET US BEGIN:

1. While driving on the freeway, I saw the man in front of me switch lanes and then use his side-mirror to crack open a hard-boiled egg.* This threw me into a momentary existential crisis.
2. A pollster called my house and asked to speak to a male between the ages of 18 and 32. I replied, “…We don’t have one of those here.” Only later did I realize this was unnecessarily awkward.
3. I waited on line for hours with hundreds of people to see a highly anticipated show and was then unceremoniously turned away, but also discovered I still remember how to play MASH.
4. Tried jackfruit carnitas.
5. Cake.
6. Was publicly insulted and humiliated by a TA. He’s DEFINITELY not getting an inappropriate love note now.
7. The handle on my toilet fell off and ended up in the toilet bowl, whereupon I flushed it in a drunken, angry stupor, because I was unable to retrieve it. Upon further contemplation, I find this very meta, not unlike the Ouroboros – the snake eating it’s own tail.
8. Lost two wrestling matches.
9. Found out that going off caffeine for more than 24 hours gives me blinding headaches and nausea.
10. Tried to get myself back into my locked apartment with a credit card. As a result, I was still locked out, but now have minus one working credit card.
11. Panic attacks.
12. Fully embraced my quasi-creepy love for theme/love hotels. More on that later.

Really, this post doesn’t answer any questions, but it also tells you no lies. I’ll be back soon.

In conclusion: thank God for Rebecca Gayheart, who is singlehandedly keeping this website afloat with her inexplicable draw.

*This is legal, but apparently answering my phone is crossing the line.

threevue’s reign of terror

I forgot to mention this last week, when it would have been even remotely relevant, but some of you may know that Threevue.com’s Tyler recently attended a couple of video game blog reader meet-ups. I went to the Kotaku meet-up at the Golden Gopher downtown (which was pretty swank), and Tyler seemed to be on his best behavior then because my prying eyes were there, you know… prying.

However, later on in the week he attended the Joystiq meet-up, and apparently forgot to pack some manners.

Here he is, accosting some young man in the blogging biz. It appears as if that young man is searching for something on his iPhone. Maybe directions on how to procure a restraining order?

"You WILL type faster on that lifestyle phone. And you will LIKE it."

Look, I’m not going to sit here and point fingers, unlike some people (see above). I think what we can ALL agree on, is how, despite the fact that Threevue is a general disgrace to the V-U-E name, they sure do know how to grow a mustache.

this isn’t completely terrible, vol. 1: red house furniture

I’ve realized recently that I rarely, if ever, talk about the things in life that I actually ENJOY. Unfortunately, I am generally so overtaken by my general hate for the human species that I overlook the small things that make life beautiful.

You see, it’s not that I don’t LOVE other humans – it’s just that I don’t LIKE you. Most importantly, I’m egalitarian about my hate. Don’t worry. I hate you just like I hate every one else. Which also means that I love you just as much as I love everyone else. See how well that works out? Everyone’s a winner/loser, in my eyes.

In this vein, I’m going to start a new series of posts entitled: This Isn’t Completely Terrible.

First up: This Video for Red House Furniture in High Point, North Carolina!

I know this is a cop out, because Sarah Silverman put it up on her Twitter way back in like … last week. But the fact of the matter is: I’m lazy, people. Get over it. Or don’t. I don’t give a rat’s ass. Threevue does this shit too. They call it “Weekend Entertainment”. So really, don’t blame me, blame them. At any rate, watch the video. It’ll make you proud to be a black American… or a white American.

And when it comes down to it, it isn’t completely terrible.

Yuk it up, dweebs

This is GANDHI. Learn the name. I feel as if someday, he will be viewed as an important historical figure.

Okay. If you’ve been following the intrigue around here, you’ll know that those ruffians over at Threevue unabashedly and unashamedly and underhandedly (but most assuredly not unintentionally) ripped off not only our site name, but our color scheme and bannner as well.

Now they’ve taken it a step further. In their latest podcast (here), they make it seem as if THEIRS was the original site, and we are doing this as some sort of comedic stunt. Listen, I am not above a well-executed, elaborate internet hoax (Do you remember the days when we all thought Britney Spears was a real human, rather than a self-destructing android? And now we think back and laugh… laugh… laugh…), but we were first – timestamps DO NOT LIE. Unfortunately, videogamers do. In their depraved culture of running all over the land rescuing helpless princessi (it’s called STALKING, friends), flattening your enemies by stomping on them (animal cruelty!!!), and shooting people point-blank in the face (do you have a permit for that piece?!?), it’s no small wonder that they would pull a stunt like this and expect it to simply blow over.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

-Keyser Söze

Possibly the greatest pisser-off-er in the entire joint was the fact that a certain Mr. Taylor did not know who Leonard Cohen is. You know, this guy:

Rusty put him straight, pointing out L-Co was recently featured in Watchmen, but seriously… Amateurs! I guess I shouldn’t let my blind rage… blind me. After all, sometimes I get L-Co confused with this dude:

Twovue’s Progeny

What we have accomplished.

First off: Let me just say that my fellow Twovuers and I are all SO VERY EXCITED about the upstart of our new “blog”.

As this so-called “digital age” takes hold in our mainstream society (i.e., not just in “geek parlors”, “LAN gatherings”, “Cozplay clubs”, and other nerd hidey-holes around the globe), the “BLOGOSPHERE” will become (in my humble opinion), an unavoidable and FRIGHTENINGLY interactive part of YOUR everyday life.

On this, the day of the dawn of TWOVUE, I’d like to take a moment to thank all of our prospective readers, comment-slingers, fans, stalkers, and idolaters for taking a moment from examining the interwebs’ vastly extensive purview of nudie sites and other blogs with “well researched” and “coherent” content to bask in the glory of our orgiastic intellectual wellsprings.  Drink deeply, little ones.  Drink deeply and TRULY LIVE.

And now, let the proverbial debutante ball begin.