bella and edward

i would feel remiss in not making a comment on this new social phenomenon. and what a phenomenon it is. i mean who knew that two and a half hours of unculminated teenage sexual tension would drive people to hysteric fits of unrelenting psychosis with borderline mania literacy, for the first time since the dawn of elvis the pelvis. that normally rational and well behaved women all over the world are pledging their first born children to the instantly famous authoress, should come to no one as a surprise. i think we should all just be grateful that no one in the movie/novels is described as looking like anything as heinous as a warlock or a mandalorian. if people are going outside dressed up as vampires, at least they look like Bella rather than Boba Fett.

i guess now would be the time to preface that i’ve seen the movie…four times. and i don’t even have a remotely good excuse for any of those occasions. another crucial fact, i own the soundtrack. but what distinguishes me from the masses is that i didn’t use garageband to splice the fifteen second sequence of music where bella and edward meet and then endeavor to make a “mix tape” with 96 tracks of that sequence. the fact that i know someone who did, makes me feel just about as bad though. if mockery is the highest form of flattery, i might possibly be the twilight’s biggest fan. look out world, this is the skin of a stalker!

to stephanie meyer, with love, rachel!

also:

now that i’ve met you, would you object to never seeing each other again?

Okay. I don’t know if you guys know this, but Rebecca is not, in fact, my name. However, there have been MULTIPLE instances lately wherein I am newly christened Rebecca and expected to respond to my freshly acquired moniker. By different people. All over southern California. In fact, unlike other people on this site, Kim is my real name. Sort of. Mostly. At any rate, it’s what people ACTUALLY call me. I mean, I’ve got a lot of nicknames, but generally, they are not two syllables longer than my given one.

So I got to thinking. Maybe I just LOOK like a Rebecca. Exhibit A:

What I actually look like.

Note the dimple. Not because it’s important, but because it’s adorable. Go ahead. NOTE it.

Now, let’s compare to some other people who are ACTUALLY named Rebecca:

one night in paris, and then breakfast at tiffany’s

So I guess what I want to know is: when did we decide that we were going to settle for grossly inadequate pornography? Sure, in terms of achieving sexual gratification, Michaelangeo’s David need not be involved. Long before Deep Throat introduced us to the wild world of political and sexual intrigue (thus justifying the existence of nerdy analysts everywhere), sex and art had been inextricably entwined since time immemorial; classic art being but a topical contribution to the glorification of fertility- dating back to prehistoric idols flaunting grotesquely exaggerated hips and busts. It is no wonder at all that Freud found sexuality latent in pre-modern society, lounging beneath the surface of our newly acquired hypermorality. By the time we resigned Betamax and our Victorian sensibilities to the scrap heap, profligately abandoning ourselves to all VHS’ wanderlust of retrospandex had to offer, we had welcomed the ubiquity of media sexuality into our homes. By the end of the century, pornchic existed not only as an homage to the act of physical release, but as a movement celebrating the culturally normative integration of sexual emancipation and mainstream media. So what has changed?

Yuk it up, dweebs

This is GANDHI. Learn the name. I feel as if someday, he will be viewed as an important historical figure.

Okay. If you’ve been following the intrigue around here, you’ll know that those ruffians over at Threevue unabashedly and unashamedly and underhandedly (but most assuredly not unintentionally) ripped off not only our site name, but our color scheme and bannner as well.

Now they’ve taken it a step further. In their latest podcast (here), they make it seem as if THEIRS was the original site, and we are doing this as some sort of comedic stunt. Listen, I am not above a well-executed, elaborate internet hoax (Do you remember the days when we all thought Britney Spears was a real human, rather than a self-destructing android? And now we think back and laugh… laugh… laugh…), but we were first – timestamps DO NOT LIE. Unfortunately, videogamers do. In their depraved culture of running all over the land rescuing helpless princessi (it’s called STALKING, friends), flattening your enemies by stomping on them (animal cruelty!!!), and shooting people point-blank in the face (do you have a permit for that piece?!?), it’s no small wonder that they would pull a stunt like this and expect it to simply blow over.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.

-Keyser Söze

Possibly the greatest pisser-off-er in the entire joint was the fact that a certain Mr. Taylor did not know who Leonard Cohen is. You know, this guy:

Rusty put him straight, pointing out L-Co was recently featured in Watchmen, but seriously… Amateurs! I guess I shouldn’t let my blind rage… blind me. After all, sometimes I get L-Co confused with this dude:

Who do these JACKHOLES think they’re kidding.

The gauntlet has beeen THROWN.

I cry FOUL, sirs!

These RUFFIANS shall NOT PASS.

threevue dot com

I knew I should never have taken that extended vacation in Barbados. It seems that in my absence, usurpers have attempted to sully the # + vue name. You will regret this, Taylor, Ross, and Marc. You will, and you SHALL.