Okay. I don’t know if you guys know this, but Rebecca is not, in fact, my name. However, there have been MULTIPLE instances lately wherein I am newly christened Rebecca and expected to respond to my freshly acquired moniker. By different people. All over southern California. In fact, unlike other people on this site, Kim is my real name. Sort of. Mostly. At any rate, it’s what people ACTUALLY call me. I mean, I’ve got a lot of nicknames, but generally, they are not two syllables longer than my given one.

So I got to thinking. Maybe I just LOOK like a Rebecca. Exhibit A:

What I actually look like.

Note the dimple. Not because it’s important, but because it’s adorable. Go ahead. NOTE it.

Now, let’s compare to some other people who are ACTUALLY named Rebecca:

Exhibit B:

Rebecca Romijn

Hmm. She does have a big mouth like me. And she does play a transexual on television, just like me. However, even though anyone I’ve ever come into contact with you could tell you that my self-esteem is through the ROOF, even I might be aiming a little high with this comparison. Let’s move on.

Exhibit C:

Reb[ecc]a McEntire

Just… no, people. NO. This woman’s head is bigger than mine, which is quite a feat. And she’s just so… pointy. Maybe it’s just the hair… Am I that pointy? I don’t think so.

Exhibit D:

Rebecca Gayheart

 

Umm… no. I don’t kill people.

The only conclusion I can come to is that Rebecca has been assigned to me by the collective unconscious because ‘Asshole’, while encompassing my essence in it’s brevity, is not yet an appropriate nickname in American society.

Learn my EFFING NAME PEOPLE. It’s NOT that HARD.

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